A letter to myself

I can see that you are struggling a bit. It’s starting to feel heavier with every thought that races through your head. Trust me, I know you have been there before, but it almost seems like you never know how to respond or act the next time it comes around. I can see that you are enraged that you actually let someone in again because you have always been scared of opening up. You are scared of being fully vulnerable with the people you love and let’s face the facts: that is why you always feel like you have no one to talk to about all the things you attempt to hold within.

I know you feel the pain of your heartbreak and all you want to do is reach out because that is what you are accustomed to. But, the only thing you can do is just deal with your little appetite, the little sleep you get and just cry. You’re sitting here thinking the worst feeling is waking up in the morning just as sad as you were the night before. You miss your person. You think that almost nothing has made you sadder than imagining yourself not seeing him ever again. After all, the worst pain is getting hurt by a person you once explained your pain to.

You are allowed to have your bad days and wake up crying full of anxiety. At some point, you have to get up and learn to be okay by yourself again no matter how lonely you feel. You were made strong enough to withstand these seasons of life, and you were meant to survive the hard spots so you can thrive in the good spots too. You know you are capable of trying to let go, but it is unfortunately, very difficult when you are focused on what you think you are losing.

Get up off your butt and go for a run. Go get a gym membership. Go watch reruns of your favorite Netflix show. Go scarf down some ice cream and throw in some hot cheetos while you are at it. Go do absolutely everything you can to distract yourself. Trust me, everyone struggles with this. Some are worse than others. Be proud of yourself.

How bizarre, for a human to understand the pain of a heartbreak, and chose to inflict it onto another person in the same way that once broke them. By the end of it all, you almost even feel like the three little words ‘I love you’, does not even come close to conveying what you felt for him. You did what you did, you felt what you felt, and it is what it is. Hey, maybe they’ll come back to you when the time is right and you can love to the fullest extent. What is yours, will simply find you.

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